I am pleased to announce this year’s perfect Christmas gift — a book called Frank Sinatra: The Boudoir Singer, by Darwin Porter and Danforth Prince. It’s about Frank’s women, his mob connections and his dick size, but there is an even greater reason why this book should be at the top of everyone’s  Christmas wish list. I wrote a blurb. That’s right: I wrote one of the blurbs printed inside the book, quite possibly the first time the name “fab magazine” has appeared in hardcover. I wrote, “I just loved it every time Frank punched a member of the press, which was often. I like to think that if Frank were still alive, he’d be taking a swing at both Darwin and Danforth for spilling so many juicy, juicy secrets!”

It’s a great Christmas gift to be sure, but let’s be honest: not everyone is into books, and you still need to get presents for friends. Maybe your friend has a sagging face. The ideal Christmas gift for him would be the Venus Freeze. I know: Venus Freeze sounds like a dirty sex thing, something Frank might have done to Ava Gardner or Mia Farrow. But it’s actually a wand that uses magnets to shoot radio frequencies through the upper layers of skin at a rate of one million times per second.

“The fibroblasts beneath the connective tissues weaken as we age, so we lose elasticity,” explains Catarina DiCarlo, the sexy clinician at Skin Vitality. “It’s painless. It is hot, but it cannot burn you. No knives and no downtime. People are ecstatic about the Venus Freeze.” She generally recommends eight to 10 sessions, which might cost anywhere from $2,500 to $4,000, depending on how many zones you wish to treat. She also wants me to note that Skin Vitality has five locations in the GTA, including Yorkville.

Perhaps your friends aren’t readers or aging. Perhaps your friends are adventurous straight couples. Then you need to get them tickets to the very next Northbound Leather Fetish Friday at the Oasis Aqualounge. I make a visit to Oasis to check out the action, and to be blunt, it is the most pussy I’ve ever seen in my life. The orgy rooms upstairs are filled with straight couples fucking. Oddly, there is no eye contact between anyone. There are no three-ways, no orgies, just a lot of showing off. It’s like browsing art in an art gallery. Art that boinks, but art nonetheless. Northbound honcho George Giarouis tells me that he wishes more gay men would attend Fetish Friday, because we usually find it hard not to start an orgy, pansexual or otherwise.

Maybe your friends are artsy types. Then send them over to the Barbwire Art Gallery at 97 Maitland St. Owner David Louis Wall is kicking things off with a retrospective of his own work, including paintings of Dudley Laws in court (see above) and of Prince William’s naked back. Located above the old O’Connor Gallery, the space is quite beautiful, boasting a huge balcony out back. Wall plans to rent out the space for special events, like book launches or private parties. I find it amusing that David, who I’ve known for 20 years, is still using the name Barbwire, which was originally the name of his hair salon and then his porn theatre. Talk about repurposing.

And finally, perhaps your friends are masochistic or adventurous or just hate top-40 music as much as I do. Then they need to hear Lulu, the bizarre collaboration between Metallica and Lou Reed. This is the worst-reviewed CD of the year, but let me be the lone voice in the wilderness and declare that I love it. In fact, I think it’s the best thing Lou’s done in decades, yet he’s received death threats for it. Two discs of monster-loud tunelessness and Lou’s monotone “vocals,” Lulu is a lulu.
Christmas is a time for giving. And getting. So get shopping!

paul@fabmagazine.com