For Halloween, the good people at Theatrix Costume House (165 Geary Ave) offered any one of their 50,000 costumes to wear, but I’m so fussy I couldn’t find one thing that suited me. To narrow things down, owner Gina Anki asked what my dream costume is. I told her I wouldn’t be happy unless a replica of Elvis Presley’s solid gold suit was made to fit my atypical dimensions. She said, “Okay, it will be ready for the 31st.”

“That’s great,” I replied. I can’t wait to parade around in it, and if I really like it I’ll just wear it all the time, even to vacuum and go for groceries. Let’s be honest: there really isn’t an occasion where a solid-gold suit wouldn’t come in handy, right?

For instance, I could have worn it when I attended Cirque du Soleil’s new production, Amaluna. The show is great, particularly the slow and suspenseful episode where a woman builds an exquisite sculpture by balancing various-sized palm fronds atop her head. I realize you have no idea what I’m talking about by reading that sentence, but luckily there is footage on YouTube (search “Lara Jacobs balance act”). Amaluna is gigantic, rather female-centric and totally spectacular. It runs until Nov 4 under the Grand Chapiteau at the Port Lands.

Then there was Sister Act, featuring a star-making performance from Ta’Rea Campbell in the role made famous by Whoopi Goldberg. I couldn’t help but find it amusing that a busload of nuns showed up on opening night, which is sort of like cats watching Cats. Sister Act runs until Nov 4 at the Ed Mirvish Theatre.

And it would have been great to wear my gold suit to opening night of La Cage aux Folles, if only to show up star George Hamilton. La Cage is at the Royal Alex until Nov 18.

I really could have used the gold suit to stand out at the ninth annual White Cashmere Collection fashion show at the Arcadian Court of the Simpson Tower. The event is renowned for making fabulous Canadian designers create astonishing gowns from toilet paper and helps raise money for the fight against breast cancer. One by one, skinny fashion models walked the runway adorned in asswipe as the enthused crowd snapped pictures and cooed. The whole event was hosted by gracious Canada AM host Beverly Thomson, and everyone left with a big swag bag full of — you guessed it — toilet paper!

But really, my gold suit would have come in handiest at Dream, the 16th annual Northbound Leather fashion show and fetish party. The whole thing used Fifty Shades of Grey as the motif. I’ve never read the book, but I have gone to the Canadian Tire paint-chip wall and actually looked at 50 shades of grey. I enjoy the strict dress code of the event but wonder if a gold suit would qualify as fetish wear. Well, it turns me on, and isn’t that enough?

Finally, there is Cardigan beer. No event, just an autumn-spiced lager infused with cinnamon, nutmeg, clove and a hint of brown sugar. I worried that it might taste like pumpkin pie, but it’s actually a great-tasting beer, one that goes well with sweet potato fries or warm apple crisp. I didn’t need to be wearing the gold suit when I drank this beer, but I felt like I was.

Alas, Halloween is just days away, and so is the first public appearance of my new gold suit. One thing’s for sure; I’ll stand out in a crowd. As well as posing for hundreds of cellphone photos I’ll be hosting the Spectra talent show and costume contest on the steps in front of The 519 starting at 7pm. And when I come out and you are blinded by my shiny gold suit, just remember where it came from — Theatrix!