Deep Dish - Issue 447

St Patrick’s Day @ Crews & Tangos

Hi, Farley. Why are you wearing so many clothes while bartending at Crews’ St Patrick’s Day party? Are all your cute little booty shorts dirty, or did you sell them, dirty, on Craigslist? Hi, Aeryn Pfaff, who’s just stumbling in. I have no idea how to say your last name without spitting on you. Hi, Nikki Chin. We love it when you do the sideways splits against the wall and show us just how good a tuck you really are. Hi, Daytona Bitch. Is it possible to take a bad photo of you? I don’t think so. At the shooter bar we chat with co-owners Paras Prashad and Michael Ramawad over warming shots of Jäger. “We have one of the best drag contests in the city, with $5,000 in prizes,” Prashad reports. True, the bar has turned into one part gay frat bash and one part stag party, complete with drunken ladies in tiaras paying to dance on stage with the drag queens as if they’re amusement park rides.

Fit @ The Beaver

Hi, Ricky Kruger. I see you’re hosting Fit at The Beaver while wearing almost nothing and talking to strange girls in limos on Queen St again. Hi, Sonja Marie. You look worn out from a full day of casting models for Alternative Fashion Week (FAT). FAT? Fit? Hmmm. Hi, Simon Rose. You auditioned for FAT with a poppy seed stuck in your teeth, and now you’ve come to Fit to drink your cares away and maybe wash down that poppy seed? Hey, Nicky Click. I’ve never heard you sing before, but anyone who performs in a bright-yellow bathing suit and Purple Rain eye shadow has already entertained me. Hey, DJ Kris Steeves and DJ/Tunes columnist/dancing queen Phil V. When I listen to you guys I feel all warm and squirmy inside. Tapeworms? No! By the way, everyone, Ellen (the lesbian one) played a video of Phil dancing on her huge international talk show recently for some contest. “Winners haven’t been announced yet,” Phil says. “So I just continue my Toronto dance domination.” First Kesha cameos in his other dancing video and now this? I hate him.

Dare To Wear Love

Hi, Marty Rotman. What do you mean you’re not designing full-time for Northbound Leather anymore? Hi, Adrian Wu. You’re even cuter than the clothes you create. Fashion Week came to a grand close with the third annual Dare to Wear Love charity gala. Fashion people raising money for those in need — this time the Stephen Lewis Foundation — is like sensible footwear: absolutely necessary. More than 30 garments have been created, including standouts by Farley Chatto, Hoax Couture, Zoran Dobric, Franke and Damzels in This Dress. All are made from real African fabric and are worn by models and special guests, including wrestler Trish Stratus, celebrity chef Jamie Kennedy, actor Arlene Duncan, performance artist Lena Love and Bob Marley’s granddaughter Donisha Prendergast. The runway comes alive with cheers as waves of excitement cascade through the room. But no one bring us to our feet more readily than nine-year-old Danielle Brown, who earned her guest spot on the runway by raising tons of money for the cause.

Greta Constantine

Hi, Monika Schnarre. I see you’re busy ogling shoes with Ron White. Hi, Jeanne Beker. You’re oddly quiet.Hi, Suzanne Boyd. You really need your own Saturday-morning cartoon. Hi, Jully Black. Sorry I can’t keep my eyes off your big-nippled braless self in that flowing Greta number you have draped over your frame. “This suits me perfectly,” she coos. “It’s like a second skin.” It’s like stepping back and forth in time as I enter the newly renovated Arcadian Court. Leave it to Kirk Pickersgill and Stephen Wong’s team to find the newest, soon-to-be-hottest spot to showcase their fall/winter 2012 Greta Constantine line — and throw a party. Tonight is a who’s who of who’s whose. If you don’t know every other who, then you shouldn’t even be here. The clothes? Aside from their usual delicious draping, precise pleating and some interesting shoulder shapes, it’s all very marketable and dependable and doesn’t leave me gagging like past collections. Greta has matured, and gagging ain’t ladylike.