Deep Dish - Issue 455

Woody’s Best Chest Contest

Pride Week is truly a sexual smorgasbord. But then, just days later, a famished feeling of horniness hits. You’re hungry again. It’s like sexual Chinese food. Instead of ordering General Tso’s chicken, we march into Woody’s best chest contest to inspect some fresh deli meats. Host Georgie Girl, the Kathy Griffin of the drag set, is charming the crowd with her usual witty banter and comic lip-licks that could give a eunuch a boner. Her trusty sidekick Sofonda is the Vanna White of tonight’s game, running out into the audience to try to get men in various states of intoxication to turn over their shirts and expose their nipples. It may be a week after Pride, but they still get a whopping 12 contestants, ranging from Maverick, a short, muscular twink who looks like a shrunken Arnold Schwarzenegger, to Tommy and Philippe, two friends visiting from Montreal who enter as one person, to big, muscular bear Dillon. Big D wins, proving that bears are not just top of our gay food chain, but they also have major voting powers. Just look at fat bear Ford.

Byzantium

Instead of ordering egg foo young, we pluck up some chicken wings dripping with money-garlic sauce at Byzantium. It’s been a while since we’ve popped in on a Friday, but just a week after Pride the turnout and energy is impressive. Twinks rebound quickly. DJ Sumation’s tune selections are on track and even cause a couple on the dancefloor to bust out in a full-frontal bend-over-and-let-me-grind-your-hole bit of performance art for all to see. Even those watching from outside. It’s like an old-school 519 window show, but instead of Scarlett Fever falling out the window I’m waiting for his dick to fall out of those pants. I’ll have what he’s having.

Boutique Bar

Instead of ordering moo shu pork, we graze with some soon-to-be-sizzling hamburger patties inside the glamorous pen-like patio of Boutique Bar. The night is hot and sticky, perfect for casual drinks, cool drinks and covert winks. The bartender is busy mixing a tropical thirst-quencher made from sugar cane, while the waiter is busy servicing in whiter-than-white, tighter-than-tight jeans. It’s a night where you’re sure to either bump into or at least be within drooling distance of some cutie or another. Josh Levy and three buff friends with massive suckable chests poking out of dental-floss tank tops prove distracting. Kevin Levesque (aka Miss Conception), Proud FM’s Richard Ryder and I, meanwhile, have just come from seeing Beauty and the Beast at the Four Seasons Centre. It’s very Disney. Borrow some child from a playground, do a line of Pixy Stix and you’ll really get into it. “Richard has devised a method of panelling for my costumes, which means that I don’t have to shave my chest,” Levesque informs. Poor hairy drag queens.

Dirty Sexy Party

Instead of ordering chicken fried rice, we feast on tube steak at Dirty Sexy Party, served up at fly nightclub. The dancefloor has been turned into a kinky, darkened maze of camouflage netting. Getting in and out of this area seems designed to confuse and ensnare. Performing is big, beefy, stupid-good-looking John Magnum, who, upon order of Sofonda, sheds his booty shorts and shoves his meat into the faces of those pressed up close for free helpings. Sniff it. Slap it. Swallow it? No! Not unless you pay for the private show. And who the hell knows what goes down (or in) behind those closed doors. Let’s hope Purell and plush towels are provided. A willing participant jumps onstage and is so hot for Johnny that he tries several times to stick his tongue down his throat. Let it be known that grinding your naked bodies together for all to witness is one thing, but showing affection is just plain disgusting! Rude.