sept 1 @ Cold Tea
Star stalking at TIFF. Get a whiff. I swear that’s Jessica Simpson wearing a cat dish filled with lacquered cat food on her head in Kensington Market. Oh, it’s just Fluffy Soufflé hosting another jam-packed night of Mighty Real at Cold Tea. “Cold tea” also being the code word for after-hours alcohol served in teacups at certain Chinatown restaurants. Shhh. Don’t tell anyone. I can’t figure out why there’s a lineup to get in until I discover the itty-bitty spot is really just one room . . . with a large back deck. There are actually more people chatting outside than partying inside. I hope they have heat lamps for the winter; otherwise, Mighty Real is gonna be mighty cold. But right now the dancefloor is flaming hot with the selections of one John Caffery, who takes a bit of this, that and some other things, throws them onto the floor and plays ghetto hopscotch with the entire recipe. And washing down this musical mixture is Jean, outside sipping a Labatt 50. Ugh, such a hipster brand. Meanwhile, an out-of-drag Fay Slift and a fully dolled-up Fluffy are patio posing, Fluffy in that fantastic DIY cat-food hat. “Straight from the royal wedding to Cold Tea,” she purrs. “I’m giving cat-food realness.”
Sept 2 @ Lake Ontario
I swear that’s Johnny Depp about to board the party boat, Queen of Canada, dressed as Captain Jack Sparrow. Oh, it’s just Francis Gaudreault. “I’m a butt pirate,” he jokes before almost banging into a post. “But this eye patch is not so good for depth perception.” It’s high noon and the Pitbull boat cruise is setting sail for a four-hour tour around Toronto harbour. It’s a nice three-level boat, but imagine if the entire ship were covered in brown fun-fur? Furry fierce! It’s a gorgeous day as the boat sets sail and goes so far into Lake Ontario that we have no cellphone reception for nearly two minutes. I am fearful of this fact as I sit and eat a chicken burger, all eyes on me. The bears are hungry . . . and not just for sex. DJs Sumation and Shane Percy take turns behind the black turntables, which get so hot under the sun they can hardly work their knobs. Go-go men and volunteer go-go men mount the podium to entertain. The crowd is drinking hard, and as each hour passes more clothes come off, more skin is exposed and more sweat is expelled on this usually lazy Suddenly Susan Sunday. Oh Brooke Shields, if only you had starred in Bear Lagoon.