The Olympics are upon us, and for me, someone who is not a fan of the Olympics, that means only one thing. Scanning all the activity for some of the hottest athletes the world has to offer.
I decided to write up a game-plan list of men to keep an eye out for, but I learned something when doing my research: a LOT of people participate in the Olympics. I’d crashed my browser with so many open windows by the time I got to “G” on the list. Here are my favourites from the first seven letters of the alphabet.
For each competitor, I’ve listed his name, age, sport and why I think you should support him from your couch. Box of tissues optional.
This 24-year-old Moroccan competes in men’s light welter-weight boxing, and I imagine he wins by knocking out his opponents with his dreamy hazel eyes.
I wouldn’t date someone with the same first name as me, but I’d certainly consider a fling with this 24-year-old, six-foot-four inches, 229 pounds of French man. He plays handball. I don’t know what that is – it sounds like dodgeball, which is the most absurd sport after ultimate Frisbee, but I imagine having large hands makes for a good player. Let’s do this, William.
If twinks are your thing, check out soccer player Francois Affolter. Six foot one and 21 years old, this fresh-faced blondie looks incredible in shorts.
A 28-year-old Romanian who swims the breaststroke, Dragos has tan skin, sexy scruff and come-to-bed eyes. I cannot wait to see him in a Speedo.
Let’s see. Twenty-two, five foot ten, and he’s a swimmer who specializes in the backstroke, with incredibly kissable lips, from Australia. Need I say more?
I’d want to fix his teeth a little, but this 22-year-old Spanish soccer player has the sweetest smile. He lists his hobbies as playing video games and hanging out with his friends. Bless.
This guy has a look on his face like he’s not taking any prisoners. He’s a 27-year-old high jumper from the Czech Republic. Imagine what he could do with his legs and torso in bed.
Holy shit, this guy is sexy. On first glance you might not instantly agree with my vehemence, but take a few minutes to look and you’ll notice this 21-year-old blond swimmer from Hungary, who is six foot one and 176 pounds, will probably fuck you like a jackhammer. You can just tell by that half-smile.
The first Canadian on my list, Philippe comes from Sherbrooke and is a 25-year-old fencer. No, he won’t redo your backyard, but he will poke the living shit out of your inflatable kiddie pool with his "sabre." He comes from a fencing family and loves chess.
Pierre Yves Beny
If you like your men on the shorter side, this five-foot-five hotty from France is a 29-year-old gymnast, and we all know that gymnastics (along with figure skating) are many gay men’s favourite events. Insert obligatory joke here about balancing on your beam or "pommelling" your horse.
Way to represent, Canada! Gabriel is a 30-year-old rower from Dawson Creek (that’s a real place?) and weighs a hefty 203 pounds of muscle. Look at his blond hair and strawberry-blond beard! This manly man likes hunting, trapping, fishing, mud bogging (whatever the fuck that is) and SQUARE DANCING. Let’s hope he likes Dolly as much as you and it’s a match made in heaven.
Full disclosure – I like guys with sticky-out ears. This 23-year-old Belgian competes in judo and has dark, thick eyebrows – my other kryptonite. So far he’s my number one.
I’m including this guy because he looks like Ricky Martin. Does everyone from Spain look like Ricky Martin? Soccer player, 23, very fuckable.
What a cutie! This 23-year-old from the USA competes in platform diving. He’s also a student in communications at Purdue University. Can I carry your books to class, David?
This guy is a hard 10 in my book. He’s 21, six-foot-two, a soccer player, from Switzerland and has mesmerizing eyes. Not to mention great bone structure, sexy scruff, dark hair and thick eyebrows with olive skin. He doesn’t list any interests, which is fine, because he’s that pretty he doesn’t have to speak or be interesting.
Tall with big sticky-out ears. I’m into this 25-year-old Frenchie basketball player.
Holy shit. This Moldavian wrestler is 26 and a whopping 209 pounds of muscle. Can’t you just imagine yourself hanging off his arm in the nightclub as he gives off an air of jealous protection? Oh wait, that’s just me (and you).
The first Brit to make my list, it’s no surprise he’s a 22-year-old soccer player, because in my fantasy all British men are 22-year-old soccer players. He probably falls into the twink category, thanks to his blond hair and clear young skin.
WOOF. Simply WOOF. A 31-year-old swimmer in the men’s 10-kilometre marathon, Valerio comes from Italy. Just look at the way he casually regards you in his photo. Blond hair with dark-brown scruff makes me want to tumble-turn over for him.
Saul Craviotto Rivero
This 27-year-old sprint canoeist from Spain is giving you such dirty-sex face in his picture it’ll make you quiver. He’s going to spit in your mouth, flip you over and fuck you until you pass out. And in the morning you’ll make him bacon and eggs.
This dude looks tough as really fucking tough nails. Two hundred pounds of judo wrestler, this 24-year-old Egyptian could snap your back with just one look.
Hello, Canadian Alexandre! From Montreal, he’s a 27-year-old springboard diver. I appreciate that at this stage you’ve determined my own personal predilections. Dark hair, dark eyes, scruff and a look on their face that says, “I’ll show you, faggot.”
Guys from Brazil get an automatic pass in my book, but this 21-year-old swimmer earns it. He doesn’t list his weight or height, which leaves us to speculate about his body and what he keeps in his Speedo.
Ivo Dos Santos
From Lisbon in Australia, 26 and competes in judo. He’s like every other dark-haired man on my list. Pure sex appeal.
When did BMX become an Olympic sport? What’s next? Skateboarding? Rollerblading? The light jog to Starbucks to pick up the newspaper? Even though Belgian Arnaud isn’t really competing in a real sport, how could you resist that face?
In an effort to show I like blonds, too, and not be overly biased in favour of all the dark-haired guys, here’s a basketball-playing blond who I’d let slam dunk me. Twenty-seven and six-foot-five means a three-pointer. (That’s a basketball term, right?)
This British volleyball player is 22, six-foot-three and 190 pounds of beach-buff sex appeal. Yes, yes, he’s got the mandatory dark hair, eyes, thick eyebrows, but isn’t he a hard 10?
This 30-year-old triathlete from Germany loves cooking and reading. Cut to your/ my fantasy, curled up in some beautiful Cologne apartment, reading a book on his sofa, covered in a blanket his mother gave you, while he makes his specialty dish. Something with sausage probably.
And here’s where my list ends and your list should begin. These represent the hottest men competing in the Olympics from A to G, but what about the other 19 letters? Who have I missed that, in your opinion, is essential? Which events will you be making a point to watch?
Let us know in the comments below or tweet us at http://twitter.com/fabmagazine.
While you're at it, head to squirt.org and VOTE
for your favourite hottie Olympians just for the hell of it.