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A LEAGUE OF THEIR OWN
Donnarama and Matt Cassano have a gay old time cruising
the world of queer sports.
Photos by Tony Fong
At eight years old I already wanted to play with
balls that didn’t have “soccer” or “foot” in front of them. My parents
were suspicious and forced me, like all the other Italian boys,
to enroll in a soccer league. The bright neon-coloured jerseys were
tacky and clashed with the grass but I was the only one who seemed
to care. My parents were thrilled that I was active – I was thrilled
to be watching tight asses in short shorts.
The change room and I had a love/hate relationship. It was fun having
a peek to satisfy my curiosity but the homophobic remarks made me
feel like an outsider. I didn’t belong. I began to dread pre- and
post-game locker room chats because I knew the f-bomb would be dropped
more times than Britney’s babies.
Fortunately Toronto is home to several sports teams, leagues and
clubs where being gay is encouraged. No longer are queers made to
feel like outsiders in the locker room. I decided to team up with
Toronto’s Queen of Comedy, Donnarama, to take a closer look at the
wild world of gay sports in Toronto.
Toronto Triggerfish Water Polo
Water sports have a popular history in the Village. Toronto’s Triggerfish
Water Polo team, however, takes part in a much different liquid
pastime. The club began in 2001 with only 10 participants and has
since grown to over 70 members, with competitive and recreational
leagues for players with different skill levels. The club is open
to gays and gay-positive people who want to improve their water
polo skills, compete in tournaments, or just learn more about the
splashy sport. Don’t feel left out ladies: Marshall Schnapp, President
of Triggerfish, says the club is currently developing a women’s
team. “We’ve always had a few women but it’s tough to get them,”
she says. Could this be the refreshingly moist club for Donnarama
and I? www.triggerfishwaterpolo.ca
Downtown Swim Club
If polo doesn’t excite you but you’re still a H2O lover, the Downtown
Swim Club could, like a speedo, be the perfect fit. The club is
open to queer or gay friendly individuals, 20 years of age or older,
who want to swim recreationally. You heard right – recreationally.
One of the biggest misconceptions people have about the club is
that it is strictly competitive. The majority of members are average
swimmers and joined the club for the social aspect. Practices are
held four times a week, all year round and to join you simply need
to show up 10 minutes before a practice. Before she joins in on
the fun, Donnarama has been advised to remove all makeup. She has
other plans. Thank goodness for waterproof mascara. www.dsctoronto.ca
Newsgirls Boxing Club
Since 1996 Savoy Howe has been delivering some knock-out punches
as owner of the Toronto Newsgirls Boxing Club. Originally, the club
was made up of gay and lesbian women who responded to Howe’s lamppost
advertising. Over time more gay-friendly straight women joined,
and then a few gay men. Howe said she has noticed an increase in
attendance among the trans community and is taking steps “to make
more classes trans-positive.” Howe has never had to turn a person
away, “but I would if someone made the space dangerous for others
or was homophobic.” The gym has a sign that reads, “Absolutely no
high heels in the ring,” which is in protest to how card girls are
objectified by the male audience. Donnarama doesn’t need to worry
though: Howe has extended an invitation for her to step into the
ring whenever she pleases. www.torontonewsgirls.com
Toronto Gay Hockey Association
Take a break from stick handling at Woody’s to join their sponsered
league the Toronto Gay Hockey Association. The league originated
15 years ago when fed-up gay hockey players grew tired of homophobic
remarks in the locker room. Stephen Reid, a league representative
who joined the association a year ago, says there are major differences
between straight and gay hockey change rooms. “In a straight league,
you talk about chicks, hockey and football. You come into ours and
we talk about The Golden Girls and Spice Girls. Oh, and hockey too!”
The league is open to experienced and novice players, which means
that all teams are divided up as evenly as possible. Reid says the
TGHA often acts like matchmaker, since many longterm relationships
have been started through the association. My face getting cozy
with the ice doesn’t count. www.gayhockey.com
Toronto Lesbian & Gay Tennis Association
Forget Pong. The Toronto Lesbian and Gay Tennis Association offers
more than any video game ever could. Similar to the other sports
we’ve already looked at, the TLGTA is split into recreational and
competitive leagues. Even if you’ve never played tennis before there
is no need to worry. The recreational league is designed to help
players improve their techniques and skills while meeting fellow
tennis enthusiasts. Never have neon balls been so healthy. www.tlgta.ca
Muddy York Rugby Football Club
I’ve always found rugby players sexy. Gay rugby players are even
sexier! The Muddy York gay rugby club, however, is more than a batch
of pretty faces. These guys can get rough when necessary. The club,
in its fifth year, plays all around the GTA toe to toe with straight
teams from the Toronto Rugby Union. Brandon Taylor, President of
Muddy York, says that the other teams are more experienced than
his boys but the Muddy Yorkers always put up a good fight. Members’
ages range from 19 to late 50s. Taylor says the club tends to attract
inexperienced players and that those wishing to join simply need
“an attitude to work hard and enthusiasm.” A nice ass also helps.
Speaking from a spectator’s point of view: those tight shorts don’t
fill themselves. www.muddyyork.ca
Downtown Soccer Toronto
Bend over like Beckham and receive the full soccer experience by
joining the Downtown Soccer Toronto league. The first of its kind
in Toronto, the league offers a safe summer long environment for
gays and lesbians wanting to play co-ed soccer. The season begins
in mid-May and runs until October. You don’t need to be a superstar
on the field but being able to fake an injury is an asset. Oops!
I mean, all soccer injuries are “legit.” www.downtownsoccertoronto.
org
Cabbagetown Group Softball League
Don’t let the name fool you. This is one league that doesn’t stink.
The CGSL was founded 15 years ago and is a non-profit organization
for queer people seeking to play softball in a safe, discrimination-free
environment. Over the years, the league has evolved from four teams
to 22, with several divisions. The CGSL consists of close to 400
members, all of them friendly and eager to get to first base. www.gaysoftball.ca
Toronto Spartan Volleyball League
There is no tryout required to join the Toronto Spartan Volleyball
League but being physically fit with prior volleyball experience
is key when playing this fast- paced game. Be sure to stay alert,
or you could get a ball in the face. This isn’t a sexual pun – it’s
a warning. They really do hurt! www.tsvl.org
Friends For Life Bike Rally
Are team sports not your forté? Do you prefer a more solo session?
Look no further than the Friends for Life Bike Rally. Feel free
to go at your own pace as a member of this annual group event. Besides
getting an intense workout, you’re helping raise money and promote
awareness for the Toronto People With AIDS Foundation. www.bikerally.org
Well, that was exhausting! With so much available in Toronto
Donnarama and I are having trouble deciding what to join first.
For now, we’ll stick to a couple of slasher flicks and Sarah Silverman
inspired cookie parties. It’s not necessarily a sport, but then
neither is curling. Oh, before I forget, be sure to check out the
Riverdale and Rotators Curling League (www.gaycurl.ca/toronto.html).
We wouldn’t want anyone to feel left out, although I’m bound to
receive letters next week telling me otherwise.
OUR SPORTS ISSUES
Richard Ryder, comedian — When I was younger
and thinner I enjoyed all kinds of water sports. Shut it!
The B-Girlz, drag performers/national treasures —
Barbie-Q: I watch Xtreme Competitive Knitting!
Ivana: Is that a leftover from the writer’s strike?
Barbie-Q: I’ve always been an athletic supporter. Kora: In
more ways than one!
Ryan G. Hinds, bon vivant — I love watching
figure skating on TV—it takes a real man to carry himself
proudly in satin, velvet and rhinestones.
Ralph Hamelmann, host of Screww at Goodhandy’s
— I could always tell which skaters were gay: they’re the
ones who’d burst into tears and gather all the flowers and
teddy bears after the skate of a lifetime.
Amanda Roberts, drag performer — I’m into
bowling, ’cause I like the shoes.
Jeremy Parkes, teacher/former fab columnist
— In high school, I vehemently considered bowling a sport
because nobody else would. I was on an all-girl team that
finished dead last.
John Caffrey, rock star/dancing machine—
I liked to skip gym class and go cruise at the bathrooms in
the mall or go shower at the nearby university just to be
naked with older guys.
David Tomlinson, actor — In gym class when
it came to picking teams I always ended up against the wall
with the other hated geek in the class, at which point the
two team captains would look at each other and shrug. One
of them would invariably sigh and say, “I guess we’ll take
Tomlinson,” like he was trying to determine which terminal
disease he’d rather die from. Good times.
Andrew Awesome, DJ/musician — I was big on
archery for a while. If I’m gonna be into a sport it should
have a lethal edge. Besides, hockey players’ hands smell like
hobo crotch. Badly.
Gavin Bradley, songwriter/producer — My father
was a hockey coach and when he drafted me for his team at
five I would just lie on the ice and stare at the ceiling
lights.
El-Farouk Khaki, NDP candidate for Toronto Centre
— Being flat-footed and a bookworm with huge glasses
made sports a particular challenge for me—over and above being
fey.
Bruce LaBruce, filmmaker — I wasn’t a nerd
or a jock. I was a fag.
James Huctwith, artist — Sports are societally
created, artificial enforcers of hierarchal shaming and inequality.
Through public displays of intimidation, coercion, and elimination,
they display their inherently undemocratic, bestial and anti-intellectual
nature.
Troy Brooks, artist/singer/writer — When
someone asks about the score of a Blue Jays game and I don’t
know, why do I feel like a traitor to my country?
Lincoln Shand, dancer — I make less than
one percent per year of what most saggy-assed, steroid-pumping
baseball players who barely move more than fives times in
an inning do.
Shaun Proulx, Proud FM DJ/host — Sports are
a substitute for war, or at very least, a great way to watch
grown men suddenly behave like they’re seven years old all
over again.
Jesse Trautmann, columnist — I do admire
the discipline and dedication athletes have for their physical
health and ability. The only discipline I have is Janet’s
new album.
Miss Conception, drag performer — I enjoy
watching swimming or diving on TV because I have a Speedo
fetish. Boys in Speedos rock.
Shawn Hitchens, actor/playwright — If I could
die only to be reincarnated into an inanmate object, I’d want
to be the pouch in Alexandre Despatie’s Speedo. I believe
in supporting our athletes.
Chris Vanderluit, student — For me, the more
body contact and the less gear the better. Greco-Roman style,
baby — bring it on!
Suzanne Macrury, artist — NFL all the way—who
doesn’t like seeing guys crushing each other in tight pants?
And now that I think about it, with those helmets on, they
kind of become genderless anyway.
Trevor Boris, comedian — I played football
with some buddies a few weeks ago— how butch, eh? Well, okay,
it was touch football but some of the guys were really hot.
I don’t remember the score but I know I won.
Deb Pearce, Proud FM DJ/host — I really enjoy
playing tennis and golf. I know—how lesbian, right? It gets
me outside with my girlfriend and it’s just us and nature.
Shane MacKinnon, DJ/burlesque artist — My
sporting events these days seem to be more urban related—cycling
around downtown because the TTC sucks and I spend a fortune
on cabs.
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 Matt
Cassano writes fab’s together column and is an all round good sport
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