Romancing to bone

Matt Thomas scours Toronto for romantic adventures guaranteed to impress the man of your dreams or the man of right now.

Toronto can be one of the most romantic places to spoil your boyfriend, seduce some lucky date or reward a loyal fuckbuddy. As the greeting-card holiday we know as Valentine’s Day approaches, the desire to find unique and creative ways to express affection is at its peak. Here are some fabulous options that will ensure your VD plans have a full-release happy ending.

Hand-held penetration

Why not get in touch with your inner butchness by transforming yourself and your date into urban Robin Hoods (tights not included)? On Valentine’s Day, Casa Loma is offering the chance to spend “an intimate afternoon learning the noble art of archery” from certified archery coach Shawn Adams. Romance any man with your ability to pull on something and hit a target, or revel in easy access to weaponry when you find out Cupid wasn’t working it on your behalf. Info: casaloma.org

Remixed on Ice

Whether you’re a fan of figure skating or a butch hockey boy, part of being Canadian is getting some ice time. Take your special gay to Harbourfront Centre’s DJ Skate Saturday Nights on Sat Feb 13. Twirl him or bodycheck him from 8–11pm while hard-working queer DJs Cozmic Cat and Denise Benson spin “high-voltage sets of house, electro, tech and other dancefloor burners all mixed, mashed and played with a dose of TLC.” Info: harbourfrontcentre.com

Screw inside a work of art

Whether it’s a seedy den of sodomy or a high-class palace straight out of Pretty Woman, there is something sexy about renting a hotel room for a romantic night away from home. Get the best of both worlds in one of the artist-designed rooms at The Gladstone Hotel. Each has a unique spin but recommended are the Amsterdam-sex-den stylings of Simone Moir and Corwyn Lund’s Parlour of Twilight and the kitschy eroticism of Cecilia Berkovic’s Teen Queen room, lathered in pictures of crush-worthy boys. According to Berkovic, guests should think, “purple gingham, wild horses, crimped hair, frosted lipstick, Teen Beat posters and unicorn love.” Info: gladstonehotel.com

The royal treatment

Who doesn’t love pageantry that celebrates the splendours of being gay, especially when those splendours include glamorous ladies and sexy, half-naked men? On Sat Feb 13 at 8pm at El Convento Rico, the always-lovely Stephanie Stephens helps present the Mr & Ms Canada International Pageant 2010. Stephens promises “sex, sex, tits and ass, but in a glamorous manner. There will be lots of pageant divas giving their all and looking gorgeous with their big jewels, big hair and big lashes.” You’ll also enjoy studs like Goldie St James, Renzo Garcia and Darnell Pierce engaged in fierce competition during the swimsuit portion. If you’re lucky, you and your boyfriend might take a prizewinner home. Everybody wins. Info: elconventorico.com

Treat your filthy pig to a tasty one

Gay men know better than anyone that sometimes you have to travel for tasty meat that fills you up and leaves you begging for more. Tucked away in the west end are The Black Hoof (928 Dundas St W) and its sister brunch spot, The Black Hoof Café (923 Dundas W), two of the most critically acclaimed restaurants in the city. Specializing in unique meaty treats, diners can indulge in to-die-for marrow bones, rabbit pancakes, suckling-pig Eggs Benny, stuffed pork snouts, duck confit sandwiches and enough cured meats and cheeses to sate even the hungriest bear couple. Both places are high in quality but low in pricing, with meals for two coming in under $80. They don’t take reservations, though, so make the trip spontaneous, and let the meat and the mood take you from there. Info: The Black Hoof: 416-551-8854, The Black Hoof Café: 416-792-7511

Outta sight, outta clothing

If countless trips to Remington’s and marathon viewings of Showgirls haven’t unlocked your inner stripteaser, there’s still hope. On Sat Feb 13 and Sun Feb 14 at 9pm at The Gladstone Hotel, Toronto’s notorious burlesque troupe Skin Tight Outta Sight teams up with the sexy dudes from BoylesqueTO for Be Mein Valentine, “celebrating the divine decadence of the Weimar Republic in Berlin.” Bring your date and take notes on grinding during performances by “stocking stripping leder-lads, teutonic terrors in uniform, lovesick rent boys, star-crossed crossdressers and, of course, a gay Asian tranny Hitler!” Info: skintightouttasight.com, boylesqueto.com

Staring at his tuts

King Tutankhamen, the teenaged ruler of ancient Egypt, called all the shots, got whatever he wanted and became even more famous centuries after his death, thanks to his opulent tomb and its sparkly golden treasures. If twinks were to pick a historical figure they most want to emulate, it would surely be Tut. The Art Gallery of Ontario is exhibiting King Tut: The Golden King and the Great Pharaohs, featuring drool-worthy items like Tut’s jewels and his golden sandals. If boy-kings aren’t your thing, hook in to the audio tour, narrated by Harrison Ford, and fantasize about dating a rugged and sophisticated older man. Info: ago.net

Go down on a sailor

The best way to snag a sexy and artistic homosexual is by cruising the art galleries of Queen West. At Paul Petro Gallery, Andrew Harwood’s aquatic installation, Sailor, turns the gallery into a giant disco ball using footage of Canadian lakes projected on large sequined screens that glitter to create sparkly walls of water. The moody setting is perfect for surreal make-out sessions and navy-themed role-playing. Boys ahoy! Info: paulpetro.com

Sometimes it takes a village

With all the double talk surrounding the state of Toronto’s gay village, it’s important to remember that for more than 20 years it’s been the geographic catalyst for thousands of romantic and sweaty connections. If you’re looking for a local spot to entertain your lover, why not grab a meal and get cozy at a quiet upstairs table at Hair of the Dog, or snag some high-class eats at Fuzion, which just celebrated three years on Church St. Dance the night away with a martini in one hand and a boy in the other at Straight or Byzantium. Grab a beer and a sexy bear at O’Grady’s, or cuddle up while scoping the cunty and hilarious queens at Woody’s. If the pretence and romancing is too much work, then hit the bathhouses and get right to loving. No matter how you want it, it’s there for the taking. Info: fabmagazine.com/listings

Matt Thomas is a fab associate editor who’s been involved in a torrid love affair with Toronto for years.