Hot time, summer in the city! Toronto really is a sexy place to be in the late spring. All the boys start showing off their hairy legs, beer bellies, six-packs, big guns and butts. The overwhelmingly potent scent of the “cum” tree ushers in Pride Week, outdoor patios, lazy afternoons with friends in Trinity Bellwoods Park and, of course, Hanlan’s nude debauchery. It’s a time to take it easy, let yourself sweat, take a summer lover and drink up a storm.
As lovely as it is to put fine crystal and bone china in a vintage wicker picnic basket and take it to the park, it’s also a bitch. Things break, the basket gets way too heavy to carry, and it ruins the line of a good outfit. No one needs to admire that Tiffany’s wine goblet — they need to take in the way your crotch looks in those GWG Scrubbies!
To help the boys be more attentive to all that man-love goodness out there, Sissydude has created a brilliant guide to some cheap, easy, fast and tasty refreshments for public consumption.
If you’re running low on funds, what with the $6 ferry ticket, the $25 bottle of Bombay Sapphire and your new bathing suit purchase from Holt’s, here are a few cheap and easy ways to take your booze on a trip. Seriously — don’t spend $25 on a stupid Urban Outfitters flask that looks like a vintage camera. Got a plastic water bottle or an empty plastic apple-juice jug? Those will totally do!
Yes, you can take paper or plastic cups on your excursions, but they do get a tad bulky in one’s Birkin, so why not try this fun project: your own homemade paper cups (see the easy-to-follow instructions on this page). You can make 30 of these babies and slide them into your wallet. I know — pretty genius! Think how impressed your friends will be: “Did someone say cup? Here, I have a few. I made them myself.” You give a knowing smile, with eyebrow raised, as you pop that flat parchment paper thingy and reveal its instant drinking vessel magic. They. Will. Die.
The Cuppow is another very clever invention. It’s a BPA-free and 100-percent recyclable plastic sipping attachment that fits ever so easily on a wide-mouth canning jar (it’s similar to a takeout coffee lid). Think of it as an adult sippy cup for your lemonade, caesars or Keg-size brown cows. Since canning jars can take the heat, it’s perfect for java junkies and tea lovers, too! Available at cuppow.com or at Capital Espresso & Pastries, 1349 Queen St W. $10.
If carrying a plastic bottle of booze is beneath you, a thermos is always a cool thing to have. Vintage plastic or metal ones can be bought at Value Village (for $4–8). Many stores in Chinatown have cute new versions for anywhere from $5–20. Available at Tap Phong Trading Company, 360 Spadina Ave.
Seriously, when you are soaking in the sun, do you really want to be dealing with slices of lime, coarse salt, mixers, several bottles of alcohol and ice cubes? No, you do not. The recipes below are make-ahead affairs to plop in the fridge or freezer and take in your bag and go. Freezer packs and cooler bags will keep your concoctions fairly cold, and frozen grapes work divinely to keep your sangria nice and cool (and they won’t water it down).
The Pom-Pom Bomb
Got a two-thirds empty eight-ounce Pom Wonderful bottle in the fridge? Add a half cup of vodka (or more) to that sweet nectar. A tablespoon or two of fresh lemon or lime juice is a nice touch. Before you twist on the cap, make sure the neck of the bottle is liquid free because you’re going to freeze that baby overnight! In the morning you’ll have a lovely frozen treat ready to go. As it starts to thaw it will become a potent slushy and then melt into a perfect personal cocktail (or tasty Pom shots for everyone). Add a touch of club soda and you’ve got yourself a delectable spritzer!
Another totally fun summer beverage is that icy little orgasm, a spiked Slurpee (get the Slurpees at 7-Eleven, you supply the booze). You can pretend it’s Las Vegas and walk all over the city with these puppies. Good times, people, good times. Here are some amusing combos:\
The Classic Twink
A cola Slurpee with a shot or two of Captain Morgan Rum.
The Daddy Bear
An orange Slurpee with a shot of vanilla-or marshmallow-flavoured vodka.
The Sharon Needles
A lime Slurpee with a shot of gin, vodka, cachaça or tequila (or all four).
The Cream Queen
A cream-soda Slurpee with a shot of Crème de Cacao.
A root-beer Slurpee with a shot of Kahlua.
The Very Stylish Girl
A ginger-ale Slurpee with a shot of gin.
The Dirty Jockstrap
A lemon-iced-tea Slurpee with a shot of Pimm’s.
For more transportable drink mix suggestions, click HERE
to download your own printable, fridge-mountable version of Sissydude's recipes!
Jack Handey, the author of Deep Thoughts
, once wrote, “What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk?” Good question. Summer just makes life sexier — more carefree. It’s the joy of being with your friends, giggling at cute boys, desiring all that exposed flesh and hairy bits. So, come on everyone, let’s get drunk on the wine of us!