Dirty talk and filthy figures - Part 5

fab’s Gay Sex Survey for 2011 once again broke records by receiving 2,508 responses. Gay men wrote candidly about their desires, fetishes, emotions and needs. The overwhelming amount of raw data and comments required an entire team of fab writers to sort, sift and select the most startling and titillating material. Fortunately, John Crouch, Ryan English, Michael Lyons, Drew Rowsome, Eduardo Sabate, Matt Thomas, Jonathan Valelly, photographer David Hawe and illustrator Jordi Santo were up, no pun intended, for the daunting task.

Star fuckers (or not)
 
The top celebrities respondents wanted to fuck were Jake Gyllenhaal (18%), Ryan Reynolds (16%), Justin Bieber (11%) and, surprisingly, Lady Gaga (11%). Celebrities respondents most wanted to see on our list (but didn't) were George Clooney, Bradley Cooper, Ben Affleck, Taylor Lautner, and Justin Timberlake.
 
When it came to the celebrities respondents least wanted to have sex with, there were some disturbing crossovers. Respondents would rather fuck Rob Ford (8%) than Justin Bieber (31%), Lady Gaga (20%) or Charlie Sheen (14%). Imma let Rob Ford finish, but Kanye West (8%) and Prince William (7%) were somehow considered to be on the same playing field as our mayor.
 
* Cannot choose, I want all. * It wouldn't matter as long as he was willing to face fuck me while I am in a full silk or satin dress. * Justin Bieber is a choice? That can't be legal. And sorry, Lady Gaga: love your music, but unless you're sprouting a penis it ain't ever going to happen. * How come Prince William is on the list and not Prince Harry?

Star attractions
 
The pornstars respondents most wanted to have sex with were the Peter Twins (20%) and Brent Corrigan (20%), followed by Girth Brooks (7%) and Diesel Washington (7%). Our apologies for not including Brent Everett, the most popular write-in candidate.
 
* Brent Everett would be my choice. Brent Corrigan, that sap has blood on his hands * Been there, done that. Just because they have a title doesn't make them masters at the job. * I don't know any pornstars. Porn is boring, I prefer a real cock.

Hey sailor
 
Respondents generously revealed their best pick-up techniques and lines. Most suggested being friendly, complimentary and smiling while many found the direct approach — “let’s fuck” or “want a blowjob?” — to be most effective. Some are even more direct, pulling out their dicks or grabbing the basket or nipples of the desired person. Alcohol is the preferred lubricant to ease picking up; apparently all the techniques and lines benefit from being slurred.
 
“Wanna see the eighth wonder of the world? Come to the bathroom with me and you will.” * Smash ice on the bar and say, “Now that I’ve broken the ice will you sleep with me?”* “You have 365 bones in your body, want another?” * “I have snacks.” * Buying a guy a shot and telling him it's to take the sting off how his ass in gonna feel in a few hours. * “My bed or yours?” * “I swallow.” * “You really don't deserve me, but I am feeling charitable." * “Didn't I see you in ________ movie? I swear you look just like ________!” * Excuse me, sir, you dropped something. Oh. It’s my number.” * “Nice bulge. It would look better with my face on it.” * “Your dad must be a robber, because he stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.” * “Hi. I've lost my number. Can I have yours?” * Nod. Adjust basket. * Grab my crutch. * Show them pics of my foreskin. * “Your eyes are as blue as my toilet water.” * Acting dumb. * Grabbing their dick and saying, “This goes in my ass tonight.” * “Is that a banana in your pocket?” * “You can have a cigarette, but only if you smoke it in my bedroom.” * Kneeling in front of a glory hole with my mouth wide open. * “Can I borrow your phone? My ex said to let him know when I find something better.” * “My cock is like a metal detector: it finds the hottest ass in the room and it's yours.” * “Do you own a chicken farm? Cause you sure know how to raise a cock.”
 
Respondents have less fond memories of pick-up techniques and lines that didn’t work on them.
 
“Wanna see the eighth wonder of the world? Come to the bathroom with me and you will.” * He smashed ice on the bar and said, “Now that I’ve broken the ice will you sleep with me?”* “Hey did you know your body has 233 bones in it? Would you like one more?” * “I want to take you to Steamworks and put you in a sling.” * It was something about elves and his "North Pole." It was the holidays. * "I love Chinese eyes." I am not Chinese. * “Want some dark meat?” * “You look like the type of guy that does it in an alleyway.” * “Did you wash your clothes in Windex?” * “I'm gonna drill you like an oil rig.” * “I don’t charge much.” * Someone tried to buy me a drink, which I refused. Then they offered me their gold card. As if they could just swipe it through my asscrack. * “Stop hurting me with your smile.” * “What’s your sign?” * “For $100 you can come home and give me a blowjob.” * “I know the owner — I can get you a drink.” * “Get your coat, you've pulled.” * “I wish you were a door, so I could slam you all day long.” * "Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only 10 I see." * “Well, that guy wasn't interested. You wanna get out of here now?" * I’ve never turned down sex. * “Were you fat as a child?” * Flopping out a warted dick. * “If I told you you had a great body, would you hold it against me?” * “I have a chubby fetish. Wanna fuck?” * I met a guy who played Simba in The Lion King. He sang, "Can you feel the love tonight?" in my ear. * “I’ve just got out of a relationship; you wanna be my boyfriend?” * “Do you like really hairy guys?” * “I'm actually a spy.” * “Can I suck your feet?” * “You look like a whore. How much?” * “Put this up your bum and poo on the floor.” * “Is that a mirror in your pocket? Because I can see myself in your pants.” * “I have a wife, but we don't have sex anymore because I'm a gay, too.” * “If I rape you would you turn me in?” * “Are you a Nazi? Because you're setting this Jew on fire.” * “Want to rumble in my jungle?” * "I'm really discreet." * “Are you from Ireland? Cause my penis is Dublin.” * “Well, there's no one else left here. You wanna go for it?” * “I think you've fucked half of my friends, so why don't we go for it too?” * “Want to meet me at the Walmart parking lot?” * “You look intelligent, so I will be upfront: I want you to fuck me.”
 
Genuine compliments or the statement that “you’re hot” works best on most respondents. But so does the direct approach of “let’s fuck.”
 
They all work on me. * Compliment first. Ask for my number to set up coffee or drinks. Then get me drunk and be a great kisser. * Any sign of legitimate interest. * “Wow, you have a sexy smile!” Always makes me melt. * Walk up to me and push me to my knees and grab my head and pull it into your smelly crotch. * “Oi you. I wanna shag you fucking silly.” * “Can I have your spunk?” * “I live round the corner.” * Talk nerdy to me. * “I wanna fuck that ass until you scream.” * "You're cute. Wanna dance?" works perfectly fine. * Name, number and dick size. * “I own you, you filthy little slut.” * “I've got a big cock, wanna see?” * “Wanna grab a beer before we get to each other?” * No lines, just a kiss and eye contact. I am like butter after that. I spread in any direction very easily. * None — just stick your cock in me. * A stiff cock "accidentally" pushed up against me. * Just that gaydar look, looking back to see if you are looking back to see, very exciting. * “I’m rich and love getting my dick sucked.” * Anything said with a British accent. * I engage with anyone who is good looking and obviously sane. * I like cheesy. The cheesier and funnier a pick-up line is, the more likely I am to continue talking to him.

Much much more sex survey fun in the current issue of fab and at fabmagazine.com.