Flying can be irrationally terrifying, but airline mogul/flight-attendant-from-hell Pam Ann is intentionally provocative. Three years ago, when the perfectly coiffed comedian first touched down in Toronto, audiences roared as she gleefully satirized all aspects of air travel. What does she have in store this time?
Pam Ann: If you’ve ever wondered what it feels like to be hijacked and fingered at the same time, then this is what you can expect from Around the World, Canada 2012.
Drew Rowsome: How would you prepare -- or is that warn? -- someone who has never experienced Pam Ann?
If the seatbelt sign is on, it is on, so don’t fucking move out of your seat.
Madonna called you “cruelly funny.” What would you call Madge?
You worked a private flight with Elton John and David Furnish. How did it differ from an average flight with the masses?
On one flight you can do what the fuck you like and don’t need a passport. On the other you get fisted through security and have to sit next to someone annoying. Now figure out which one is private and which is commercial.
Air Canada is having a lot of labour disputes. What would you recommend management do to ensure good service from a happy crew?
Money always works.
Why is Air Canada so renowned for its bitchy flight attendants?
I’ve never experienced bitchy flight attendants on Air Canada. The crew have almost been inappropriately friendly in a creepy way — but I like creepy and inappropriate.
What is your most memorable Canadian layover?
I love Toronto, and The Hazelton Hotel is one of my favourite hotels in the world. The last time I was staying there the president was staying across the street, so I had hours of fun watching the secret service . . .
Your theme song, “From New York to LA,” is a bastardization of a classic French-Canadian (Patsy Gallant) folk song. Are you concerned about being catcalled, or worse, in Montreal?
I had no idea. That’s hysterical. I don’t think I’ll have a problem — no folk-loving fans come to my shows.
Airplane lavatories are notoriously cramped. What do you suggest to make joining the Mile High Club an easier achievement?
They should put in a dark room.
Why are the majority of male flight attendants gay? Is it a prerequisite, or does it just make them more qualified for this dangerous line of work?
They live for the safety demo and spraying the cabin with Tom Ford. I love gay flight attendants — they always look impeccable and get fucked more than me en route.
Which airline’s gay flight attendants are the most promiscuous? Just so we can let our readers know before they book their next flights.
I would have to say that Virgin Atlantic has the hottest crew — and the most stupid. The VA brand is all about sex and cocksucking coral lip-gloss.
What brand of cocksucking coral lip-gloss do you recommend?
Virgin Atlantic has a new lipstick called Upper-Class Red and a lip-gloss called Cum over My Mouth.
You are flying in for Pride. Why is Pam Ann the airline of choice for discerning gay travellers?
We offer a service no other airline does or can do: we rim your assholes on boarding.
Drew Rowsome is a writer with absolutely no fear of flying
Pam Ann: Around the World
Thurs, June 21–Sat, June 23, 8pm
651 Yonge St
Pam Ann’s After-Show party, hosted by Rolyn Chambers,
with DJ Danny Verde
Sat, June 23, 10 pm
fly, 8 Gloucester St
No cover for Pam Ann ticket-holders before midnight