Dear Mayor Rob Ford,
Forget the cottage and surround yourself with some of nature’s majestic creatures: cubs, otters and bears. Oh haaay — fab
formally invites you to Steve Buczek’s annual Pride Beef Ball. Sounds delicious! This aged beef won’t be covered with BBQ sauce, though — it will be dripping with salty sweat. Instead of dancing around the issues, bounce your big ass off on the dancefloor to UK DJ Hifi Sean. Cheesy stage name aside, as the producer behind The Soup Dragons, Sean knows his stuff. By the way, though you might be considered a bear, please continue your weight-loss challenge. And yes, you can bring your wife, but make sure she wears a leather harness, skirt or mask . . . so she fits in.
Pride Beef Ball
Sat, June 30, 10pm–6am at The Opera House, 735 Queen St E
Dear Premier Dalton McGuinty,
As the first Liberal in more than 70 years to be premier of Ontario for two consecutive terms, it seems as though you have been cruising the halls of Queen’s Park for-ev-errrrrr. So fab
formally invites you to attend Ecce Homo’s The Monstrous Ball at Toronto’s oldest gay theatre. You’ll get a good dose of culture, art and fashion, all inspired by Lady Gaga. Fay Slift hosts, while Tyson James, Kimberly Persona and Nina Arsenault perform throughout the night. Then the party takes off into a whole other world as DJ Miss Margot’s bitchy beats get the club going, with even more performance from Fay Slift and Cassandra. Werk.
Ecce Homo’s The Monstrous Ball
Thurs, June 28, 10:30pm at Buddies, 12 Alexander St
Dear Prime Minister Stephen Harper,
Since you’re the leader of our great country, fab
cordially invites you to a lovely stay at the Prism Hotel. Instead of a suite overlooking the Rideau Canal, you will be provided with the huge cavernous space of The Guvernment (FYI: not your government), decorated like some palatial South Beach hotel by award-winning design group FOS Decor and Judy Inc. The house music will be way too loud and chest pounding for you to try to sit at a piano and sing (thank the gay gods), but don’t worry — DJs Chus & Ceballos, Paulo and Micky Friedmann will get your Conservative teeth grinding hard. We’ll look for your son on the dancefloor in a few years.
Sat, June 30, 10pm–8am at The Guvernment, 132 Queen’s Quay E
Dear MP Scott Brison,
warmly invites you and your partner, Maxime Saint-Pierre, to Hotnuts Christmas with Christeene. Since you’re Nova Scotia’s first out MP, we’re sure you will enjoy this dirty disco. Perhaps it’s a little wild for your Conservative roots, but after a few drinks we’re sure the headlining performer, “international skank superstar” Christeene, along with DJ JJ Booya, straight out of Texas, will go over well. Wear unsensible shoes, as her underground hits “Tears from My Pussy” and “African Mayonnaise” will have you spreading like Wonder Bread. DJs Das Hussy and Produzentin will be playing gingerbread house, and host Mary Messhausen suggests coming as a crib-wetting Baby Jebus, Virgin Bloody Mary, Santa Gayby, Pornstar of David or Rudolf the Rosebudded Reindeer. Your choice.
Hotnuts Christmas with Christeene
Sat, June 30, 10:30pm at The Garrison, 1197 Dundas St W
Dear Ontario NDP Leader Andrea Horwath,
Being the first female leader of the Ontario NDP and only the second female leader of any Ontario political party is a big deal. Therefore fab
affably invites you to Big Primpin’s Special Pride Edition. A healthy percentage of loopy ladies and hot hipster men cram these walls. So take your pick, or take both. No questions asked. Drop that pant suit and come dressed in some roomy drop-crotch pants, ready to drop your shit to the sounds of DJs Auntie Dionne, Kevin Ritchie, Nino Brown and Phil V. Put a little product in those limp locks of yours and tousle them so you can give that beehived monstrosity that is hostess Miss Margot a run for her nylons. Girl power!
Big Primpin’s Special Pride Edition
Fri, June 29, 10pm at Wrongbar, 1279 Queen St W